TEXT POST
Zeyd just walked into my room and asked me why I get second place or third place. I'm assuming he saw the trophies set up on one of my windowsills. On my sister's side, there are all 1st place trophies. I just have 2nd place trophies. I just told him, "Because I'm a loser."
First of all, placing first or second or third never fazes me. It doesn't matter that much to me; I don't care. If I place anywhere other than first in anything, I tell myself to look on the bright side and say, hey, at least you won something! To add to that, I'm not that competitive either. I'm not the best person to play games with, because I'll always play for the educational factor and not the winning factor.
Anyway, I've kind of felt like a loser my whole life. This insecurity is separate from that huuuge phase of depression I went through after my move. I think this insecurity was all due to being the middle child for 8 years and 7 months, and having two siblings who may as well have been born twins. I've forever been completely different, and felt like the weird one out in every situation for so many reasons.
I was the only person I knew who was like myself because I had two siblings at the time who were complete contrasts of me. I had no friends to relate to at that time because I was too shy. And, well, I never really told my parents anything because I was quiet and shy with even them. I told them maybe a fewww things, but as I got older I kept it all to myself.
S and H always advanced before me in everything. Heck, I didn't even know how to ride a bike until I was about 8. I guess the reason being that I didn't like going outside as much as they did, and that I was afraid of falling and hurting myself.
It only continued after that. They both got personal cell phones, bank accounts, and driver's permits and licenses before I did. I don't even know why it happened like this. Why did my parents just overlook their second born child? Did they just forget I existed? Knew I was there but didn't think I was worth it? Mistrusted me?
When we moved to New Mexico, my sister was the one who had friends, and I didn't. And what made it worse was that she didn't include me in her circle. I don't remember minding it, but I'm going to assume I did, because that's just instinct of an 11-year-old. I was still super introverted at that time, so I don't think I cared too much for friends.
Time passed. My sister's friends moved away, and the funny thing is, they became more of my friends after that. I guess it was because S was maturing and she realized she didn't really need or want people in her life. I was usually referred to as "S's little sister."
A lot of people think I'm way younger than S because I'm quiet and very raw with exposing my wild side. To add to that, I'm shorter than her by 3". But, that's beside the current point.
Things haven't changed. I mean, I am more social now and super outgoing and I love people. I have my own phone (which is a hand-me-down from my sister, so I don't consider it to be my actual phone), and my dad is just now wanting to set up a bank account for me. I still need to work on that license though. I have a bunch of friends, a couple who are middle children just like me. But no matter what, I always feel like they're still better off than I am. And because of that, I'm convinced it's because there's something within myself that I still need to tackle.
Until next time! :)
First of all, placing first or second or third never fazes me. It doesn't matter that much to me; I don't care. If I place anywhere other than first in anything, I tell myself to look on the bright side and say, hey, at least you won something! To add to that, I'm not that competitive either. I'm not the best person to play games with, because I'll always play for the educational factor and not the winning factor.
Anyway, I've kind of felt like a loser my whole life. This insecurity is separate from that huuuge phase of depression I went through after my move. I think this insecurity was all due to being the middle child for 8 years and 7 months, and having two siblings who may as well have been born twins. I've forever been completely different, and felt like the weird one out in every situation for so many reasons.
I was the only person I knew who was like myself because I had two siblings at the time who were complete contrasts of me. I had no friends to relate to at that time because I was too shy. And, well, I never really told my parents anything because I was quiet and shy with even them. I told them maybe a fewww things, but as I got older I kept it all to myself.
S and H always advanced before me in everything. Heck, I didn't even know how to ride a bike until I was about 8. I guess the reason being that I didn't like going outside as much as they did, and that I was afraid of falling and hurting myself.
It only continued after that. They both got personal cell phones, bank accounts, and driver's permits and licenses before I did. I don't even know why it happened like this. Why did my parents just overlook their second born child? Did they just forget I existed? Knew I was there but didn't think I was worth it? Mistrusted me?
When we moved to New Mexico, my sister was the one who had friends, and I didn't. And what made it worse was that she didn't include me in her circle. I don't remember minding it, but I'm going to assume I did, because that's just instinct of an 11-year-old. I was still super introverted at that time, so I don't think I cared too much for friends.
Time passed. My sister's friends moved away, and the funny thing is, they became more of my friends after that. I guess it was because S was maturing and she realized she didn't really need or want people in her life. I was usually referred to as "S's little sister."
A lot of people think I'm way younger than S because I'm quiet and very raw with exposing my wild side. To add to that, I'm shorter than her by 3". But, that's beside the current point.
Things haven't changed. I mean, I am more social now and super outgoing and I love people. I have my own phone (which is a hand-me-down from my sister, so I don't consider it to be my actual phone), and my dad is just now wanting to set up a bank account for me. I still need to work on that license though. I have a bunch of friends, a couple who are middle children just like me. But no matter what, I always feel like they're still better off than I am. And because of that, I'm convinced it's because there's something within myself that I still need to tackle.
Until next time! :)
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