You're the Reason I'm Alive
Please listen to this so that you know the reason behind my post title: I'm Alive
Warning: FEELS AHEAD!!! If you don't wanna cry today, read this post some other day.
I've never really thought I was worth anything to anyone. Maybe I don't have to feel it for it to be a reality, but sometimes I like to be assured just so that I'm not motivated to end my life. I know the reason for living is to serve Allah and not to serve others, but along the way we all do need other people to help lift our spirits and bring us up.
I've been feeling pretty down lately, but it's solely my fault. Suicidal thoughts have been bubbling in my mind. What's the easiest way to commit suicide? How do you kill yourself without having to use a knife? What if I walked outside and had a car run over me? What if I stay out late on Halloween night and let a creepy clown kill me?
(Yes, that last one was something I actually considered.)
And then the most popular question...
Would anyone miss me?
The answer to this question is you'll never really know. Because once you kill yourself and disappear, the rest of the world is going to run; just not for you. People might miss you; they might not. The thing is, only you won't know.
I've been asking Allah for a dream that would show me what might occur had I killed myself, but it didn't come. Perhaps my knowledge of such a topic wouldn't serve as useful to me, but I need to know my worth. I can't have it be a mystery all the time. I want to know how much I'm worth.
I know that everything a parent does for you, including sending you to school, making you eat gross veggies, and yelling tirades at you, is out of their love. But just once, at least once, I'd like to feel the said love. People can be loved without knowing it, but to feel it is even better. How does one feel love? With hugs, kisses, praise, encouragement, smiles... I identify with a few of these. I do get praise and I do get encouragement from my parents. But they always say it without a smile, so I don't know how to react. Do they really feel obliged to say it? What is the issue? Is it because they know that I will take the praise to heart and feed it to my pride? Sure, maybe I will, but let me just say: Every time someone praises me, especially my parents, I take it to heart and think about it constantly, and I feel at that moment like the most valued person in the world. However, the same thing goes for a word of discouragement, and then I feel like the most worthless person alive. I don't take anything lightly.
Is it because I'm deprived of constant praise and encouragement that I'm so quick to feed my pride? That's usually the case. Those who don't usually feel loved end up prideful. And I know that's my fault. I am full of pride. Pride is my biggest flaw.
What else have I asked Allah for? To kill me. Is that possible? I mean, no dua is wasted, so why wouldn't He do so? Is letting me continue to live considered a reward or a punishment? I consider life a punishment right now, but if I died right now, there's no doubt I'd go to Hell. I mean, I haven't been particularly good these past few years. Looking back, I actually can't think of a time where I'd confidently told myself, "I'm going to Jannah; for sure!"
Speaking of confidence, I used to teem over with it. But one day I was told I had too much confidence. And that really changed my perspective on things. And I realized I couldn't be confident about everything all the time. So from that day on, I lost my confidence. Sometimes, I can sense some of it still pushing at me, telling me to be who I am again. But I've been crushed in that one spot and in several others. My entire soul has holes in it. I don't know if I can go back to who I enjoyed being.
Going back on the topic of suicide and the title of this post; I let myself live just because I knew that some people would be affected. (That sounds wrong because Allah is the only one who controls life and death, but you know what I mean.) I thought of my BFF in NM. She would miss me, obviously. But she'd find someone else in a matter of years, right? That's what I told myself as my mind fluctuated between wanting to die and wanting to live. My friends at my youth group might miss me. Some of them. Maybe all of them. Maybe none. If they knew my motive for dying, they wouldn't be very impressed. Would my siblings miss me? The little one, maybe. My sister, maybe, even though I've ruined her perception of little sisters. My brother? I'm hoping, but maybe not. As young children, we were always partners in crime. And now, while we're older, I try to show him my love as much as I can, although he doesn't know when I do so.
I cry as I write this. It's because I will miss them. But if they won't miss me back, what's the point? It's just like my life right now; I do so many things for people without them knowing and they don't reciprocate. In the beginning I don't expect payback, but I've begun to because it's happened so many times and I feel like I overwork myself. At the same time, I feel so worthless. I'm just me. People can carry on without me. Right?
I can't kill myself right now. If I'm going to do that, I have to do something worthwhile first. I will not receive any pity from anyone if I died right now. I've done nothing in life.
My life is on semicolon right now; I wanted to end my sentence but chose to continue.
Until next time...
;
Warning: FEELS AHEAD!!! If you don't wanna cry today, read this post some other day.
I've never really thought I was worth anything to anyone. Maybe I don't have to feel it for it to be a reality, but sometimes I like to be assured just so that I'm not motivated to end my life. I know the reason for living is to serve Allah and not to serve others, but along the way we all do need other people to help lift our spirits and bring us up.
I've been feeling pretty down lately, but it's solely my fault. Suicidal thoughts have been bubbling in my mind. What's the easiest way to commit suicide? How do you kill yourself without having to use a knife? What if I walked outside and had a car run over me? What if I stay out late on Halloween night and let a creepy clown kill me?
(Yes, that last one was something I actually considered.)
And then the most popular question...
Would anyone miss me?
The answer to this question is you'll never really know. Because once you kill yourself and disappear, the rest of the world is going to run; just not for you. People might miss you; they might not. The thing is, only you won't know.
I've been asking Allah for a dream that would show me what might occur had I killed myself, but it didn't come. Perhaps my knowledge of such a topic wouldn't serve as useful to me, but I need to know my worth. I can't have it be a mystery all the time. I want to know how much I'm worth.
I know that everything a parent does for you, including sending you to school, making you eat gross veggies, and yelling tirades at you, is out of their love. But just once, at least once, I'd like to feel the said love. People can be loved without knowing it, but to feel it is even better. How does one feel love? With hugs, kisses, praise, encouragement, smiles... I identify with a few of these. I do get praise and I do get encouragement from my parents. But they always say it without a smile, so I don't know how to react. Do they really feel obliged to say it? What is the issue? Is it because they know that I will take the praise to heart and feed it to my pride? Sure, maybe I will, but let me just say: Every time someone praises me, especially my parents, I take it to heart and think about it constantly, and I feel at that moment like the most valued person in the world. However, the same thing goes for a word of discouragement, and then I feel like the most worthless person alive. I don't take anything lightly.
Is it because I'm deprived of constant praise and encouragement that I'm so quick to feed my pride? That's usually the case. Those who don't usually feel loved end up prideful. And I know that's my fault. I am full of pride. Pride is my biggest flaw.
What else have I asked Allah for? To kill me. Is that possible? I mean, no dua is wasted, so why wouldn't He do so? Is letting me continue to live considered a reward or a punishment? I consider life a punishment right now, but if I died right now, there's no doubt I'd go to Hell. I mean, I haven't been particularly good these past few years. Looking back, I actually can't think of a time where I'd confidently told myself, "I'm going to Jannah; for sure!"
Speaking of confidence, I used to teem over with it. But one day I was told I had too much confidence. And that really changed my perspective on things. And I realized I couldn't be confident about everything all the time. So from that day on, I lost my confidence. Sometimes, I can sense some of it still pushing at me, telling me to be who I am again. But I've been crushed in that one spot and in several others. My entire soul has holes in it. I don't know if I can go back to who I enjoyed being.
Going back on the topic of suicide and the title of this post; I let myself live just because I knew that some people would be affected. (That sounds wrong because Allah is the only one who controls life and death, but you know what I mean.) I thought of my BFF in NM. She would miss me, obviously. But she'd find someone else in a matter of years, right? That's what I told myself as my mind fluctuated between wanting to die and wanting to live. My friends at my youth group might miss me. Some of them. Maybe all of them. Maybe none. If they knew my motive for dying, they wouldn't be very impressed. Would my siblings miss me? The little one, maybe. My sister, maybe, even though I've ruined her perception of little sisters. My brother? I'm hoping, but maybe not. As young children, we were always partners in crime. And now, while we're older, I try to show him my love as much as I can, although he doesn't know when I do so.
I cry as I write this. It's because I will miss them. But if they won't miss me back, what's the point? It's just like my life right now; I do so many things for people without them knowing and they don't reciprocate. In the beginning I don't expect payback, but I've begun to because it's happened so many times and I feel like I overwork myself. At the same time, I feel so worthless. I'm just me. People can carry on without me. Right?
I can't kill myself right now. If I'm going to do that, I have to do something worthwhile first. I will not receive any pity from anyone if I died right now. I've done nothing in life.
My life is on semicolon right now; I wanted to end my sentence but chose to continue.
Until next time...
;
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