Mirth and Melancholy

*crawls out from beneath massive, boulder-sized, extremely hefty emotional baggage* Well hello. It's been nearly two years. Wait. *counts* Yeah. Considered never posting here again for a number of reasons. I posted some... personal   dank  stupid stuff on this blog that I'm not totally comfortable with the entire world knowing... but hey. That's why there's a delete button.  See, the way I see it, I wouldn't be too embarrassed about what I was like in the past, because what matters is how I am now. I'm on fleek now. I'm not nearly as  stupid now. Yeah, in pictures from 10 years ago I wore glasses and had no fashion sense and had chubby cheeks and was ugly and petty and immature but that's all in the past. What matters now is that I'm not like that anymore  a changed man. I'm trans. I've learned a lot of things. I've learned makeup and fashion. Oh yeah and I guess I learned about being a good person and not being childish but pfpthfhffhpth...

For about 9 days before New Year's Eve 2019, I embarked on a family vacation a little more than a couple of states away from my home state. The bright side of the trip was that I got to see my friend after 4 years since our last meeting, and 5 years since we met. Otherwise, I'd rather have stayed alone at the house the entire time. Only because the primary focus of the trip was to go hiking and exploring places but I was not having it. The temperature was miserably cold and I prefer spending time in nature other ways. I was very happy to finally come back to the house and reunite with my fish babies. Anxiety is the worst. I don't particularly like to use the S word, but anxiety is a really good vacuum. I go about my day thinking everybody in the entire world hates me and my existence and thinks I'm a loser. I'm usually, or at least used to be, really good about pushing bad thoughts away and thinking on the bright side. But I haven't felt genuinely happy in a w...

I've decided I'm going to look at things with a more positive outlook. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, it's cliche and a lot of people already are or should be doing it. To be honest, it's an on and off thing for me. I do my best to be positive and then something brings me down. I allow something to bring me down, rather. I then go back to being positive. But people like you better when you're happy and positive. It isn't like I'm trying to please anyone; I'm really not, but what's the harm in people liking you for a good reason? As long as people don't like me for trivial reasons like money or a temporary fill to a void. Life is easier when you're happy. I've just really been allowing myself to drip into negativity. It's not easy to stay out of it, given my circumstances. But we're going to try and avert our attention. On the bright side, I drew a comic in 2 days, for my Instagram webcomic @shorterinperson. I've be...

I dunno, I'm so out of it. I haven't posted consistently on here in AGES. Looking back at my old posts and seeing how in-depth they are and how much life I put into them really makes me miss my past self. I was full of life back then. I might still be now. I want to be. But I don't feel like I can be. Not anymore. October 2018 to January 2019 have been emotionally heavy and difficult for me. The reason behind isn't something I can just tell the whole world. Only a couple of close friends really know how much pain I endured. Just for context, I was feeling extremely negative, pessimistic, and low on self-esteem, and I wanted to end my pain by leaving this world. And it wasn't that anybody was directly targeting me. It was just that someone was put into the spotlight, and their given relationship to me is what made me feel so isolated and alone. Thankfully, God blessed me with the friendship of people with such wonderful levels of understanding and tolerance. I do...

Well well well. I'm back, it's 6 PM, and I'm supposed to be doing my homework. But I still have some stories to tell. I have a thought on mind right now. It's so difficult to accept yourself for who you are and ignore others who seem better off than you. Here's a situation to put the thought into perspective. You're a shy, quiet person all alone in a setting where other people are around, talking to each other. They're not alone. They have friends. Their bond is making them seem better than you because they're both likable enough people to befriend each other. And it doesn't make you feel very good about yourself. In another case, there's a trio of 3 friends. And you're the one friend who always seems to be the underdog, or the runt of the litter. The two others are always ganging up on you. Everything you say is wrong. Outsiders agree with the other two. And you keep telling yourself the cliche assurance that "it may seem like t...

It's been quite a busy time for me. I don't even really know what exactly to say. I suppose I'll set free the thoughts that flow through my mind and into my fingers which type them. Mmmm... let's start with a rant I had in mind recently. Specifically, last night. Some girls say so passionately that they "hate" the color pink, their reasoning solely being that it pertains to anything and everything "girly." And I view this statement two ways, one being I take it seriously as a fact, and two being with a grain of salt. To put it more simply, when I hear people say they don't like the color pink, I believe them. We can possess a disliking to a certain color for no reason at all. That's okay. On the other hand, I take this statement skeptically. I attribute the passionate feelings to how pink is and has always been associated with females. I feel that a liking for pink can exist within the "haters" but they just refuse to admi...

...there's no point in looking elsewhere. -  Maryrose Wood My teacher is still a B. I figured out (WITHOUT HER HELP) why my website wasn't showing up on the server. It's because she didn't tell us to upload the REST of our web page files to the server too. So my website's finally on there in all its beauty (check it out here if you like:   http://patti-bee.dcccd.edu/imed1416/fahzy/ ). /)o-o/) (\o-o(\ (\o-o/) I got a 100 for project D, which was implementing CSS into my website. It was challenging at first and I didn't feel like reading through allll the lecture notes. So I watched videos on the material instead. (basically teaching myself the material like always .-.) I'm lost so let me list what I need to talk about in this post. - Monday {fire alarm, crying at school AGAIN ... that's all. *deep inhale* Right, here we go. Monday started out as a pretty horrible day for me. I was supposed to meet with a friend but circumstances did not a...