One Day, I Can Reach That Rainbow
Well well well.
I'm back, it's 6 PM, and I'm supposed to be doing my homework. But I still have some stories to tell.
I have a thought on mind right now.
It's so difficult to accept yourself for who you are and ignore others who seem better off than you. Here's a situation to put the thought into perspective. You're a shy, quiet person all alone in a setting where other people are around, talking to each other. They're not alone. They have friends. Their bond is making them seem better than you because they're both likable enough people to befriend each other. And it doesn't make you feel very good about yourself.
In another case, there's a trio of 3 friends. And you're the one friend who always seems to be the underdog, or the runt of the litter. The two others are always ganging up on you. Everything you say is wrong. Outsiders agree with the other two. And you keep telling yourself the cliche assurance that "it may seem like they're better than you but you have your own special thing inside that you'll show them one day." Whatever. No. Sometimes that just doesn't work. Sometimes other people ganging against you just makes you feel horrible, and your optimism isn't helping. All you need in these types of situations is sometimes just a supporter. One supporter will do it. But when you don't have anyone lifting you up, it really hurts. It really hurts and brings you down.
Alright so that made me cry so while we're at it I may just as well talk about other things that have made me cry in the past week.
I'm such a hypocrite. Why am I so dramatic? I hate dramatic people, but I'm dramatic myself. I don't want to talk about what happened that sprouted this thought, but it's literally just me overthinking a simple thing.
I could rant about this to any of my close friends (I really only have just one) and I already know what they're going to tell me. "They were right though. Logic, truth, bla bla bla." I just don't need to hear that sometimes.
Anyway, whatever, so my sister got married last weekend, and after I got home from all the festivities that day, I just cried. I didn't like the idea of her marriage from the beginning, and before I even knew it was serious, the very idea of it made me cry. But the official wedding of them both didn't make me cry. All the planning I had to do for the wedding did. I planned for her bridal shower the week before her wedding with a bunch of other people in a whats app group chat. I appreciate all of them for supporting my sister and planning this for her, and I told them this, but of course, inside, I couldn't help but feel so left out and in the dark. All the buzz was about my sister. And it makes sense of course for her to be the center of attention since she's the one getting married, so I have no reason to be whining. I don't know. I seek attention way too much. But I'm a wreck without it.
Anyway, on the wedding day, I had to be there at the masjid an hour earlier than she had to so I could set everything up. I helped set up the fruit platters and all the little finger foods we would be having. Ever since my parents had bought the chocolate for the wedding the day before, I was looking so forward to eating it.
I am aware that my last 2 paragraphs have begun with the word "anyway" and I was just about to begin this one with the same word. Anyway, after the tables were set and all the guests arrived, the nikaah commenced. After the sheikh announced her to be married, my mom gave her a hug. I wanted to give one too, but I let everyone else give one first, and I just ended up never getting to do so. Then everyone wanted to take pictures with the bride of course, so I let them do that as well even though I wanted a picture too (and I highkey deserve one too because I did all the prep and I'm her sister and etc etc whatever I don't matter, right?) I hoped I would get one with her later or at least get a decent family picture. Anyway, the afternoon progressed on, and, ASFLJGFLHKFKJ I ended up not getting a pic with her OR even getting to eat any of the food I helped set up INCLUDING the chocolates. Which makes me genuinely sad. Like I was actually sad that I missed out on the food. I was sad about missing out on pictures. The nikaah didn't turn out the way I wanted to. I didn't even get to talk to all the guests. I just feel like I played no part at all.
So that night, I moped around in my bed just crying.
I couldn't get over not being able to eat the food I helped prepare. So while my sister went out the next few days, I kept asking her to buy me the chocolates we had at the nikaah so that I could be satisfied. She was finally able to buy me a 12 pack on Thursday morning, the day of Thanksgiving, and my pain and suffering had ended.
I think I'm over the disastrous nikaah since my sister bought me chocolates... I'd still be sad about her leaving, but for now the thought of it isn't making me cry. Last week, I went out with my mom and Z to a burger place to hang out with the home school co op. The aunties asked me how I was and how I felt about having a new brother, etc. I felt tears coming on as I replied to them but I held them back.
I don't know. Marriage has never excited me. I don't know why. I'm glad my sister found a man, like I genuinely am, but idk. I'm not like head over heels excited or happy but it doesn't mean I don't care...? I don't know.
Last night, in class, my teacher played Mufasa's death scene on YouTube, and I said I was gonna cry if we watched it, and I didn't mean it because I didn't think I would actually cry. But I did. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.
Okay, I'm done writing about crying. I hope you enjoyed this post! I'll be back as soon as I can.
Until next time! :)
I'm back, it's 6 PM, and I'm supposed to be doing my homework. But I still have some stories to tell.
I have a thought on mind right now.
It's so difficult to accept yourself for who you are and ignore others who seem better off than you. Here's a situation to put the thought into perspective. You're a shy, quiet person all alone in a setting where other people are around, talking to each other. They're not alone. They have friends. Their bond is making them seem better than you because they're both likable enough people to befriend each other. And it doesn't make you feel very good about yourself.
In another case, there's a trio of 3 friends. And you're the one friend who always seems to be the underdog, or the runt of the litter. The two others are always ganging up on you. Everything you say is wrong. Outsiders agree with the other two. And you keep telling yourself the cliche assurance that "it may seem like they're better than you but you have your own special thing inside that you'll show them one day." Whatever. No. Sometimes that just doesn't work. Sometimes other people ganging against you just makes you feel horrible, and your optimism isn't helping. All you need in these types of situations is sometimes just a supporter. One supporter will do it. But when you don't have anyone lifting you up, it really hurts. It really hurts and brings you down.
Alright so that made me cry so while we're at it I may just as well talk about other things that have made me cry in the past week.
I'm such a hypocrite. Why am I so dramatic? I hate dramatic people, but I'm dramatic myself. I don't want to talk about what happened that sprouted this thought, but it's literally just me overthinking a simple thing.
I could rant about this to any of my close friends (I really only have just one) and I already know what they're going to tell me. "They were right though. Logic, truth, bla bla bla." I just don't need to hear that sometimes.
Anyway, whatever, so my sister got married last weekend, and after I got home from all the festivities that day, I just cried. I didn't like the idea of her marriage from the beginning, and before I even knew it was serious, the very idea of it made me cry. But the official wedding of them both didn't make me cry. All the planning I had to do for the wedding did. I planned for her bridal shower the week before her wedding with a bunch of other people in a whats app group chat. I appreciate all of them for supporting my sister and planning this for her, and I told them this, but of course, inside, I couldn't help but feel so left out and in the dark. All the buzz was about my sister. And it makes sense of course for her to be the center of attention since she's the one getting married, so I have no reason to be whining. I don't know. I seek attention way too much. But I'm a wreck without it.
Anyway, on the wedding day, I had to be there at the masjid an hour earlier than she had to so I could set everything up. I helped set up the fruit platters and all the little finger foods we would be having. Ever since my parents had bought the chocolate for the wedding the day before, I was looking so forward to eating it.
I am aware that my last 2 paragraphs have begun with the word "anyway" and I was just about to begin this one with the same word. Anyway, after the tables were set and all the guests arrived, the nikaah commenced. After the sheikh announced her to be married, my mom gave her a hug. I wanted to give one too, but I let everyone else give one first, and I just ended up never getting to do so. Then everyone wanted to take pictures with the bride of course, so I let them do that as well even though I wanted a picture too (and I highkey deserve one too because I did all the prep and I'm her sister and etc etc whatever I don't matter, right?) I hoped I would get one with her later or at least get a decent family picture. Anyway, the afternoon progressed on, and, ASFLJGFLHKFKJ I ended up not getting a pic with her OR even getting to eat any of the food I helped set up INCLUDING the chocolates. Which makes me genuinely sad. Like I was actually sad that I missed out on the food. I was sad about missing out on pictures. The nikaah didn't turn out the way I wanted to. I didn't even get to talk to all the guests. I just feel like I played no part at all.
So that night, I moped around in my bed just crying.
I couldn't get over not being able to eat the food I helped prepare. So while my sister went out the next few days, I kept asking her to buy me the chocolates we had at the nikaah so that I could be satisfied. She was finally able to buy me a 12 pack on Thursday morning, the day of Thanksgiving, and my pain and suffering had ended.
I think I'm over the disastrous nikaah since my sister bought me chocolates... I'd still be sad about her leaving, but for now the thought of it isn't making me cry. Last week, I went out with my mom and Z to a burger place to hang out with the home school co op. The aunties asked me how I was and how I felt about having a new brother, etc. I felt tears coming on as I replied to them but I held them back.
I don't know. Marriage has never excited me. I don't know why. I'm glad my sister found a man, like I genuinely am, but idk. I'm not like head over heels excited or happy but it doesn't mean I don't care...? I don't know.
Last night, in class, my teacher played Mufasa's death scene on YouTube, and I said I was gonna cry if we watched it, and I didn't mean it because I didn't think I would actually cry. But I did. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.
Okay, I'm done writing about crying. I hope you enjoyed this post! I'll be back as soon as I can.
Until next time! :)
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