Day 125/126 of 366 (writing this adjacent to midnight)

I've seen posts online that tell you to simply keep some things to yourself. 

And they speak to me. 

Perhaps even yell at me. 

They back me into a corner, seize me by the collar, and spit the words so close to my face I can smell their truth-bomb breath. 

It is rancid. Tough to stomach. 

Yet, I am unfazed. 

I gently push them out of the way and face my audience again. Blissfully ignoring my nagging regret from the future, I step onto my podium, and, with great detail, delve into the dark alleyways of my corrupt mind. 

I am a God-fearing person. At least, I aspire to be. As of late, I find it difficult to trust in God's plan and believe He is giving me only what is best for me. 

I know. What do I know? God's wisdom is far beyond my comprehension. Not only my comprehension but comprehension of every single human God has created. Our brains can't understand how God is aware of the lives of every single individual out there, from the words they speak to the way their muscles twitch. It is simply incomprehensible to the simple human mind. As it should be. We are not meant to understand everything. 

On the contrary, I respectfully demand an explanation for the trials God has put me through. What is the wisdom in giving me chronic suffering? Have I not developed my character enough for the suffering to finally end? What was the wisdom behind my unforgettable traumatic childhood moments, my teenage depression, and my adult stress and numbness? From my point of view, my suffering doesn't seem to end. I don't understand. I can only be grateful for my health and life for so long until life no longer feels worth living. I struggle to be grateful for good times with my friends without the nagging stress of financial problems. I can't even have good times with my friends without worrying they'll turn on me with every new second that passes. Why don't their words of validation help? I wish they did. 

God, I know You hear me and have done what You pleased with my prayers. I know You will not wrong me. But I ask You, please, make it make sense for me. I am lost and confused. I want a response. I need a response. I need an answer. 

And You know best, but perhaps I should have kept this to myself. 

Until next time! :)